with_discipline | 075

Entry tags:

075 | [Voice]

[Open, but filtered AWAY from the Borg Queen and O'Brien]

[So T'Pol is really bad at small talk. Really, really bad. She tends to need a few minutes just to figure out what to say, because it's awkward. So there's a few seconds of silence, because on some level she can't believe she's actually bothering.]

I'm - curious. Most take individuality for granted; I hope I'll be forgiven when I say humans particularly so. On Vulcan, individuality is honored and respected, to an extent, but even on Earth, there are those who would give up a portion of their identity as an individual in order to be a part of something. It is, I believe, more than a 'mob mentality.'[She's throwing in human phrases with less and less hesitation lately, but it still sounds kind of. weird.]'

I would like to know what the majority of you find an acceptable cause for one to give up his or her individual identity. [And that sounds terribly awkward, because she's thought about this plenty, and it's really just an almost desperate hope for new answers.]

[Private to Data]

What can you tell me of the Ba'ku?

[Private to the EMH]

[She actually sounds almost impatient.] Have you made preparations?

((OOC: Slightly backdated to earlier today. T'Pol's been acting off because her daughter died about this time a year ago for her. So recklessness and idle chatter, yay! :|))

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I can be there in five. [Or more like two.]

Thank you.

[She's not even pacing this time, she's just sitting on her bed in civies, with a book in Vulcan that she's been trying to read but can't, and her PADD. Khoteth is kneading the crap out of her blankets, but she isn't even bothering to shoo him away.]

[When Trip entered, he immediately realized he had no idea what he should do. Elizabeth's death was still a recent thing for him, but it wasn't for T'Pol, and he didn't know what he should be doing. Part of him had sort of wanted to just go hide in his own cabin, or try to find something to keep himself busy, but that had pretty much immediately been pushed away in favor of trying to help.

He slowly sat down next to her, close without actually touching, not sure what she'd want him to do. After a long moment of silence - and a ear scratch for Khoteth - he finally managed to find his voice.]

... You wanna talk about it?

[She looked up when he entered, but couldn't find anything to say; so she just made room for him, scooting back and folding her legs under her to lean against the wall. Khoteth started purring almost immediately, and the sound was comforting in its own small way. So she actually answered when he asked, staring at the book in her lap.]

It's been a year. [She finally glanced at him again.] I believe I should be asking you that. [But then again, he didn't have a set of memories of living half a life together.]

I'm - [His voice caught in his throat, but he managed to keep it together. Barely.] I'm okay.

[It was a lie, and not a very convincing one. It was the reason he was here, after all. He'd barely been able to spend time with the baby, hadn't even been able to hold her before she died, but the second he'd saw her he'd felt fiercely protective of her. She was his daughter, and she'd been taken away before he'd even gotten a chance to love her. He couldn't stop thinking about the missed opportunities, all the things she'd never get to do because of the monsters who had brought her into the world only to rip her from it because they didn't give a damn about the baby except as a symbol of their xenophobic ideals.

He picked up the cat, scratching his ears in an attempt to ignore all of that. T'Pol didn't need him losing it right now, and he'd try to keep it together for her.]

You aren't. [She looked away from him again, staring at the wall on the other side of the room. It held her computer, her files from Enterprise, the files she'd received here, and she studied the binding on each one as if they were utterly fascinating.] Neither am I.

[She almost wanted to reach out for him, but she pushed the urge aside, stifling it. As usual.]

[He looked up at her admission, a little surprised. It was another indicator of just how upset she was about the date, and he didn't know what he could do to help.

He didn't really trust himself to speak right now, so he settled for petting Khoteth instead.]

[Usually, she can do sitting quietly, but it's always been a little awkward with Trip. She always feels like she should be saying something to him, or leaving. She wanted to do both at the moment, and studied one of the candles she kept on her desk to keep from giving into either. Khoteth's purring intensified, but she steadfastly did not look at either of them.

He'd always made these things difficult. A part of her - a bigger part than she really liked to consider - wanted to blame him for it. He made emotionality easy to give into, but she couldn't do that the way he could.

Setting aside her book, she shifted forward again, settling her feet on the floor, and sitting almost rigidly next to him. In her mind, they were bound; in his, she wasn't sure. Had she started to pull away again, when he came aboard? Had she already started pushing him back? Or did his memories only stretch as far as their grief?

She turned to look at him, finally, trying to look impassive and, as usual, failing.]

You do want her returned, [she half-asked. The answer was obvious, but illogicality demanded she hear it from him.]

[Once again, he looked over at her in confusion. He'd told her about the deal he'd made. If he didn't want Elizabeth back, if he'd just accepted that she was dead and moved on with his life, he wouldn't be on the Barge. He didn't understand why she was asking.]

That's why I'm here. [His voice was quiet and sort of strangled with emotion, but he was still trying to hold it together. It was sort of weird, seeing her this vulnerable, and still didn't want to make it more awkward or hard for her.]

[But there was more to it than just wanting her back, and that was part of this. When they worked together, professionally, they barely needed to communicate; but when it came to their personal lives, it had never been that simple.

T'Pol stood, crossing the room and wrapping her arms around herself. She stood in front of her desk, staring down at whatever file sat there without doing more than recognizing it as taking up space.]

A starship isn't a place for a child. We-- [She hadn't mentioned the war with Romulus, or his faked death, or how he'd spent the last year - more than a year? - undercover in Romulus territory. They couldn't raise a child in a war zone.] We would have to make sacrifices. [And as much as she wanted Elizabeth back, she couldn't imagine leaving the Enterprise permanently when they needed her - needed both of them - so desperately. When Captain Archer needed them.] Things would change. [Still - she found the idea of a family a pleasant one, if perhaps frightening.]

I know that. [He did. Making the deal with the admiral had kind of been an impulsive decision. He had been grieving, and he wanted to make things right. But dammit, even if he didn't have any idea of how they'd actually make things work, he wanted to try. It wasn't fair.

He gently put Khoteth down on the bed before looking back at T'Pol.]

She was our daughter, T'Pol. And she didn't even have a chance. [His voice broke as he finished the sentence and he looked away, scrubbing a hand over his eyes, trying to ignore the burning sensation of tears forming.]

[Her hands tightened where they rested on her arms, and she very carefully didn't turn around. It was difficult to see him upset, and she was determined not to let that crumble her restraint. Swallowing, gathering her strength, she shifted her weight and eventually faced him.]

There are things about our - about your future that I haven't informed you of, [she started, awkward; her throat was tight, and talking evenly was a difficulty. Instead of sitting next to him again - Khoteth had claimed that space - she rolled her desk chair closer and sat in that.]

[He looked at her expectantly, blinking back the irritation of tears in an attempt to pull himself together. If he wasn't thinking directly of what they'd lost, maybe it would be easier to keep himself in control. He almost didn't trust himself to speak, but managed to choke out a,] Yeah?

[T'Pol needed a moment to force away the tightness in her throat, but she managed; explaining something made it easier, in a way, even if she was uncertain she should be telling him.] Earth is in the middle of a war. Enterprise is acting as their flagship; before arriving back here, I believe the crew was instrumental in freeing the Deneva colonies.

[She hoped he understood why she was telling him; from her point of view, they were trying to bring a child back to a war. Settling her hands on her knees, fingers closing around them tightly, it took a moment of trying before she could continue.] There was an - attack on Vulcan. Surak's katra was destroyed.

[She was already torn about where to be, but she'd come back to make that more complicated. It almost sounded like she was trying to talk him out of wanting their daughter back, but that wasn't the case; she needed him to be aware of the situation, so they could - at least she hoped - formulate a plan.]

[He listened patiently, trying to understand. He wasn't sure what to say, or how to respond at all to the information. Who were they at war with? The Klingons? Andorians? Did the Xindi decide to come back and finish the job with the help of new time traveling technology? And T'Pol had said she was here for Elizabeth too, but here she was, almost sounding like she was trying to explain why bringing Elizabeth back wouldn't be a good idea.]

So... You don't want her ta interfere with our duties on Enterprise. Or bring her back only ta end up losin' her again in an attack or somethin'. [The statement was more of a question, leaving her a chance to explain further. He really didn't know what she expected him to do with the information. He could understand her being torn - and he'd be lying if he said he wasn't concerned for his friends and coworkers, as well as the fate of the innocents who'd get caught in the crossfire of whoever was at war with apparently Earth and Vulcan - but he didn't know what he was supposed to do. If this was the future, if this is what he really had to look forward to on returning home, maybe he shouldn't be on the Barge at all.]

[T'Pol nodded once. The idea of failing Captain Archer for a third time was one she didn't want to entertain; he needed them, and Trip was already - indisposed. She wanted to reach out, grab his hand and hold on. His presence was more of a comfort than she wanted to admit even just to herself; her mind felt more at ease with him close.

She didn't know how to begin explaining that to him, though, so she kept her hands firmly in her lap, wringing them.]

Precisely. I - only wanted you to be aware. [Because keeping it to herself felt like too great a task today. She wanted him to be as knowledgeable about the situation as he could be; and if it was to make herself feel better, it was something she was unfamiliar with enough to do.]

[Trip just looks at her curiously for a moment, not sure what to say or do, before looking at the wall and then at Khoteth, who got another ear scratch while he tries to figure out what to do with himself. It was kind of nice, having the cat there for company.

He appreciated her being honest with him, but again, if she didn't want Elizabeth back for her own safety, and because of the impracticality of raising a child while they were at war, then what was he doing here?

After a long moment of sitting quietly, he finally looked back at her, his expression surprisingly blank.] So... what do you want to do?

I want her to have a chance, [She said, borrowing Trip's words. Elizabeth spent the majority of her too short life as a specimen. She deserved more than that. T'Pol's hands twisted in her lap.] Perhaps an addendum for the Admiral. Once the quadrant has settled, she'll be returned to us. Safe.

[And hopefully, so would they be.]

[Trip nodded, thinking that over. That would make sense, and would hopefully work out for the best. It might require a little tweaking of the timeline or something, but he didn't really care. If Elizabeth had a shot at having a relatively normal life, that was worth some fooling around with history.]

So, you do want her, then.

[It was important that he confirmed this, even if it seemed like an obvious statement. He could tell how upset she was, had known that the baby's death affected her greatly, but he needed to make sure they were on the same page about this.]

[They needed the same thing from each other, but that didn't mean confusion didn't cross T'Pol's face.] Of course I do. [She just didn't think either of them could stand to lose Elizabeth again. For a moment she sat still, then she moved to sit next to him, shoulders brushing.] She's why I've been here so long.

[Well, Elizabeth and the fear that she'd find her initial deal unanswered.]

[Trip nodded, suddenly feeling enormously relieved. It was probably stupid, considering he hadn't... really doubted she didn't want this. She had told him it was why she was here, after all. But still, it was nice to hear it confirmed, to reassure him that this wasn't something he selfishly wanted and would be forcing on her if he completed his deal.

His voice was a little choked, and he didn't trust himself to elaborate, but it was something. He even manged a smile.] Okay.

[She couldn't return the smile, but she could nod. And despite the inner argument she held, weighing the pros and cons, T'Pol reached for his hand, sliding her first two fingers across his before holding tightly. It was enough, for the moment, to know that they understood each other, and still wanted the same thing.]

[Trip held on to that hand like it was a lifeline, taking an enormous amount of comfort in the gesture. His chest was still tight with emotion, but he was able to control it now that he was sure they wanted the same thing. Really, he was sort of... surprised they'd had this conversation, since talking about stuff wasn't always their strong point, but. It was kind of nice, when it worked.]

[It was almost never their strong point. Not when it wasn't about work. But now that it had happened, she was almost surprised to find that there wasn't the usual regret, or discomfort. Just sitting there with him, today, having the chance to grieve with him again - She held onto his hand, careful of the difference in their strength, but still holding on. Apparently, that was precisely what she needed. She hoped it was what he needed, too.]

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